Finding Hope and Helpers Amid Life’s Struggles
“How are you doing?” Arguably the most frequently asked question in the English language. It’s pretty much the verbal equivalent of small talk autopilot. More of a reflex than a real question. Yet this seemingly simple, friendly conversation-starter is enough to make many a widow squirm.
Does the person asking really want to know how I’m holding up, or is this just a polite way to say “hello?” After chatting with plenty of fellow widows and widowers, I can safely say that this question makes almost all of us uncomfortable. No judgment to anyone trying to be nice, but here’s a little window into what it feels like on the receiving end.
Whether it’s been a week or two years since we lost our person, odds are we’re not exactly thriving. Our world got flipped upside down, and while life keeps spinning for others, ours is permanently changed. Yes, we’re doing our best to move forward and grab little pieces of happiness where we can, but if you’re asking how I’m really doing, are you sure you want the honest answer?
To give you a little perspective, whenever someone drops that question on me, my brain immediately goes into overdrive. I’m suddenly scrambling, asking myself how well I know this person or if it’s the right time and place to spill the real story. Are they hoping for the raw, unfiltered truth, or is it safer to stick with a breezy “I’m hanging in there?” At least that response isn’t a total lie, but it doesn’t exactly dive deep.
Truthful or not, I typically opt for the path of least resistance. So, here’s a little unsolicited tip as we head into the holiday season, which, to be honest, isn’t exactly “the most wonderful time of the year” for everyone dealing with loss. Skip the automatic “how are you?” and go for something real. Try a genuine greeting like “It’s great to see you” (if it truly is) or “Long time, no see!” It makes all the difference.
Look for the Helpers
Speaking of making a difference, this weekend’s church sermon took me straight back to one of the most comforting icons of my childhood: Mister Rogers. Kicking off the season of Advent, the pastor correlated the themes of hope and love with Mister Rogers’ unforgettable “look for the helpers” mantra. It’s all about the people who show up and step in when life gets messy, the ones who offer help when things crumble.
This message packs a punch because it’s grounded in love. It reminds us that even when life throws us curveballs, there’s always a current of kindness flowing through the cracks (if you intentionally look for it). Every time things fall apart, someone steps up with a small gesture, a quiet show of compassion or even just a smile. It’s proof that while heartbreak and hardship are part of the deal, so is the steady presence of human goodness and connection.
When you’re wrestling with grief and the world feels out of sync, those helpers – the ones who appear with a casserole, a text or simply a genuine “I’ve been thinking about you” – become lifelines. Their hope and love don’t erase pain and loss, but they certainly soften their sharp edges. It’s that mix of honest acknowledgment and everyday support that helps us keep going, even when we’re just “hanging in there.”
So, in a season obsessed with cheer, maybe real comfort comes not from surface-level greetings but from those small, true acts that say, “you’re not alone.” It’s the homemade treats dropped off at your door, the unexpected message that makes you feel remembered or the friend who sits beside you without needing words.
Sometimes, the greatest gift isn’t holiday sparkle or perfect joy. It’s simply the presence of someone who cares enough to show up, listen and let you be exactly where you are.
It's All Part of the Experience 