Trusting the Signs and Making Room for Joy
It’s been a little more than two months since I wrote about coming full circle and finding my way to Spring Lake — the place that held such a big piece of my late husband Matt’s heart and is now holding the next chapter of mine. Since then, life has been a whirlwind of change, milestones and new beginnings.
I moved out of our Grand Rapids home and into my new home in Spring Lake, got my two oldest kids settled into college, unpacked more boxes than I care to count and started discovering my go-to walking paths, shops and restaurants in my new town. And somewhere in the middle of all that change, I turned 50.
That milestone birthday seemed to call for something bigger than cake and candles. My son Brendan and I first talked about skydiving almost a year ago, imagining it as the perfect way to celebrate his 21st and my 50th birthdays, which fall just a couple of weeks apart. When the milestone finally drew near, I decided to surprise him by making our bucket-list idea a reality.
As the day of our jump got closer, I started to wonder whether this idea was brave, exciting or just plain stupid. During one of my many trips moving things from Grand Rapids to Spring Lake, I found myself talking to Matt in my head, as I often do. “Am I really going to do this?” I asked him. “Is it completely ridiculous to take this literal leap out of an airplane?”
Not even a minute later, a car drove past me with a “Skydive Grand Haven” bumper sticker. It was the exact place Brendan and I were scheduled to skydive just a few days later, and I laughed out loud. Matt had listened, and in that moment, I heard his familiar encouragement as clearly as ever: “Get after it.”
So I did.
Brendan and I climbed into that plane, strapped ourselves to two people we had only just met and willingly jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. It was terrifying, exhilarating and absolutely incredible! As I floated above the lakeshore and took in the view from thousands of feet in the air, I felt completely alive.
I’ll never forget the experience, but what made it even more special was sharing it with Brendan. Together, we marked two milestone birthdays with one unforgettable leap.
And skydiving isn’t the only leap I’ve taken lately. For the past several months, I’ve been dating someone who, in a funny twist, is also named Matt. You really can’t make this stuff up!
Stepping into the dating world after losing my husband felt unfamiliar, complicated and more than a little scary. I wasn’t sure what it would feel like to open my heart again or whether I was even ready to try. I only knew I wanted to dip my toes in slowly and see where they landed.
This Matt has been nothing short of amazing. He has been kind and patient as I’ve navigated territory I never expected to enter again. He has also shown unbelievable compassion for the love I will always have for Matt Goebel. He understands that opening my heart to someone new doesn’t diminish the love I will always carry for the husband I lost.
Getting to know Matt and experience life with him has been so much fun. He makes me laugh, gets along wonderfully with my kids and is always up for a game, a round of golf, a concert or a sporting event. I can even forgive him for being a lifelong Michigan fan! The best part is that we enjoy being together no matter what we’re doing.
For a long time, sadness took up so much space in my life. Grief changed everything, and finding my way forward has taken time. I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have to leave grief behind to make room for joy. The two can exist side by side.
I can miss Matt Goebel to my core and still laugh until my stomach hurts. I can carry the life we shared with me as a create a new chapter in Spring Lake. I can talk to him whenever I need to and recognize his answers in unexpected places. I can honor the love I will always have for him while opening my heart to someone new. Maybe that is what this season is teaching me.
Sometimes taking a leap looks like jumping out of an airplane. Sometimes it looks like moving away from the home where you built a life. Sometimes it looks like sending your children off to begin lives of their own. Other times, it looks like letting yourself believe that joy might still be waiting for you. None of those leaps come without fear, but neither does anything worth doing.
At 50, I’m learning that moving forward doesn’t mean moving on. It means trusting that the people we love can continue to guide us, even as the path changes. It means listening for the signs, gathering your courage and opening yourself to whatever comes next.
So, I’m taking the leap into a new home, a new decade, new adventures and a new kind of happiness. And I have a feeling Matt Goebel is somewhere smiling and reminding me once again to get after it — and enjoy the ride.
